About a Groats-Worth of Grotesques

 A Groats-Worth of Grotesques is a big bestiary for OSR games.

I've received a print copy for review from the author George Edward Patterson. The DrivethruRPG print-on-demand version is a nice big A4 softcover book, counting 251 pages. It was released in May 2021.

From the DrivethruRPG blurb:

Being a SYSTEM-AGNOSTIC Role Playing supplemental treatise ON MONSTERS; which is to say a BESTIARY for your Tabletop Games of Fantasy. Styled in the manner of the Baroque Period; a Curiosity Cabinet of Creatures for enlivening the table!

The over 100 entries were gathered out of sundy authors, philosophers, physicians, and poets; sacred and profane. The illustrations are collages of diverse prints and emblems. From the lowly ant to the earth shattering Behemoth, the mundane dog to the alien Ch M G, this collection is a rollicking gambol through history and myth.

The blurb itself shows the (awesome, to me) baroque, anachronistic language style of the book, which aims at making it an in-world bestiary collecting information and rumors as they would be reported by sages and chroniclers of your fantasy world.

While the blurb describes it as system-agnostic, each creature entry includes simple game statistics (AC, HD, damage, and special features) which make them easily portable to most OSR games.

Things I liked:

• Art. Lots of it. Each creature entry is accompanied by at least one public domain image (engraving) which has been, in most cases, artfully photoshopped to better match the author's idea. Public domain engravings have a long tradition of cheap (and fascinating) art for RPGs, so this might sound as nothing new. But what's here is stunning: the quantity and variety of images is insane, and the quality of the alterations is stylish and serves the author's ideas very well.
• The baroque textual style. The book is presented as a XVI century bestiary: The book title and general introduction, and the first description of each entry feature a marked and remarkable baroque style, which obviously matches the art. The creature descriptions are particularly fascinating as they weave bizarre observations by a writing persona that is implied to be from the implicit game world.
• The general theme of the grotesque. The creatures presented can be divided in thee groups: ordinary creatures, "classic" fantasy creatures, and unusual creatures. The first groups features creatures such as ants, camels, bears and so on, and imaginary creatures. The trick in the book is that all of them have at least one unusual feature which makes them interesting and subtly weird. The same applies to "classic" fantasy creatures (these include Dragons, Hell Hounds, Leucrotas, Mantichoras, Giants, Griffins and others): all have a twist, a unique take, and often a series of variants which are often all you need to make your classic fantasy game feel fresh without turning its monster fauna into an all new, completely unfamiliar, world. The last group is made of creatures that are new. A few examples: Bishop Fish, Vegetable Lamb, Filth Licker, Haunted Umbrella, and the Wonderful Two-Headed Girl. These are brilliant and and are the incarnation of the grotesque theme. Surreal, otherworldly, somewhere between nightmare and fairy tale, and yet somehow with a very real feel to them.

In short: I'm impressed with this book, which deserves more attention than it's had so far.

I can see this book as an excellent resource for a series of OSR games: Old-School Essentials, Lamentations of the Flame Princess, Sword & Wizardry, and any other post-clone like Knave or Maze Rats. Especially if you want to inject your "classic" fantasy campaign with bits of unusual, surreal, fantastic, horrific, surprising creatures, and even more so if you want to completely put aside classic creatures for new ones.

A final note on price. At the time of writing this, the A4, 251 pages softcover is priced a mere $13.99, which is a lot of bang for your buck, when compared with many other products with a much lower page count, and the PDF is $4.99.

Grim Jungles for OSR Games

  New weekend, new table from Lands of Legends!

A bit of a boring Saturday morning here, dreaming of upcoming holidays but still having to deal with work & everyday chores. Time to plan my next Kickstarter! There will be time to write about that in the next weeks...

For today, I offer a d10 table with ten Grim Jungle areas for your OSR sandbox campaign with simple stat references for your classic game of choice, wether is Old-School Essentials, Labyrinth Lord, Sword & Wizardry, or any other clone of OE, B/X, or BECMI Dungeons and Dragons.

Use them to spice up your sandbox!

These are straight from the Areas section of Lands of Legends Grim. Check it out for hundreds more!

So here's the table:

Jungles - Grim Areas

1. Geese Graveyard. Natives of the region say that in the heart of this jungle lies the fabled “golden geese” graveyard, where these birds go to die and become solid gold statues. Following the natives' directions is relatively easy and, indeed, golden geese can often be seen in the sky, heading to a precise location. It is a lost temple, surrounded by a village of cannibals and all the natives are their accomplices, trying to keep them at bay. Explorers who reach the village are brought to the "graveyard", surrounded and killed. Their remains are then given as food to cruel golden geese, who fly from across the region to feast on human flesh.
2. City of Tigers. Cruel man-eating tigers inhabit this impenetrable jungle and often make forays into the neighboring villages. Legends say that in the middle of the jungle lies the terrible City of Tigers, whose pavilions are built with human bones and skins. Cruel Rakshasas and weretigers rule it with an iron paw and their envoys are everywhere, hidden among men, in order to send more and more victims to the jungle. These emissaries (and all the tigers disguised as men) can be recognized because they have reversed hands and feet, with thumbs and toes on the outside.
3. The Invasion of Impossible Things. A mysterious skull-shaped green asteroid has fallen in this jungle, and now its deadly radiation contaminates the whole area. Those who spend more than a week and fail a Save vs Paralysis become a kind of reptilian creature within a few days (1d4). Leaving the area before the transformation is complete reverses and cancels the phenomenon, but leaving later causes the victims to explode in a burst of bloody pieces. If the transformation comes to completion, the victim's skin rips and a mindless lizard-man emerges trying to bite and devour everyone. The creature's bite is contagious like a werewolf’s and produces the same effects, but a Save can avoid the transformation.
4. The Real Living Death. A terrible curse affects those who die in this jungle. Bacteria keep the corpses together after death and allow smaller organisms to take part of it: the dead bodies are eaten as usual by bugs, worms, centipedes, fungi and molds, but they still maintain their structure and mass. As time goes by, all these beings "become" the corpse, which ultimately consists of a mass of plants, fungi and parasites and behaves as if it were still living and sentient. And it moves in search of food.
5. Cannibal Holocaust. This jungle is inhabited by tribes of cannibals who are accustomed to eat their dead, enemies defeated in war, the diseased or elderly ones and those who commit grave crimes. Despite these habits they act very politely with visitors, treating them with the utmost care and attention and inviting them to their special banquets as honored guests.
6. Death Valley. In this lush forest all predators, including reptiles, fish, mammals and birds, have poisonous attacks with teeth and/or claw!
7. Head Hunter Trolls. This jungle is the kingdom of a peculiar kind of trolls: they are about as tall as a man, and as nimble as monkeys. Primitive and savage, divided in several scattered tribes, they collect the heads of enemies and preys, both humanoids and animals, and then cut gashes on their shoulders and stick the severed head inside. Most heads just attach and become simple living tissue, slightly shrunk in size and slowly sliding down the chest; about 1 out of 6 is assimilated with better functions so that it can breath, eat and see, though it will become mindless; about 1 out of 6 of these breathing heads will be fully functional, retaining its knowledge and mental skills, though its will won’t be free unless the troll’s head is severed. The oldest and fiercest tribe leaders and warriors are covered with heads, many are shrunk, some are crazed and horrified faces, and a bunch are there, staring, thinking and serving the troll’s will.
8. Wooden Death. This jungle is dotted with the remains of long abandoned villages: rotting huts, broken wooden walls and canoes, stone totems. Amid the ruins, inside small holes, broken pottery and baskets, as well as in the shadows of the nearby vegetation, hundreds of murderous wooden dolls, with big horrible heads, topped with human scalps, stand vigil and are ready to assault anyone entering their territories. The dolls are possessed by the maddened souls of the dead natives, who were tricked into this undead slavery by evil spirits. Clerics may attempt to turn these 3 HD undead, while wizards and necromancers might be tempted to capture one and make an enslaved familiar of it.
9. Grim Scales. This jungle has no mammals nor birds. Equivalent creatures are all reptiles and all are ferocious predators: scaly monkeys, bat winged lizards, slinky, cold blooded scale tigers.
10. Termite Forest. This jungle is infested with carnivorous termites, whose territories are avoided by most animals. If explorers get close to their mounds (bizarre towers, up to 30 feet high) to examine them, it is already too late. The swarm comes out and attacks, dealing 1d6 damage with tiny bites and toxic saliva every round. In order to save their lives, heroes must stand very close to a flame, dive into water, or pour great amounts of oil all over them.

If you enjoy this type of content, check my other random tables posts, and my OSR stuff on DrivethruRPG: the Land of Legends series and my pwyw e-zines for Old-School Essentials: Wondrous Weavings Warped and Weird and Mysteriously Missing & Merrily Met!

My next pwyw Old-School Essentials e-zine will be released next month! To find out what it'll be about, and grab it as soon as it's out, follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Telegram!

Primeval Mountains & Hills for OSR Games

 New weekend, new table from Lands of Legends!

Mighty bad weather today here, with nature reminding us whose world this is, so I offer a d10 table with ten primeval-themed mountain & hill areas for your OSR sandbox campaign with simple stat references for your classic game of choice, wether is Old-School Essentials, Labyrinth Lord, Sword & Wizardry, or any other clone of OE, B/X, or BECMI Dungeons and Dragons.

Use them to spice up your sandbox!

These are straight from the Areas section of Lands of Legends Primeval. Check it out for hundreds more!

So here's the table:

Mountains and Hills - Primeval Areas

1. The First Peak. Dragons this place the Last Flight. This peak is nearly impossible to reach without flying, because of its extremely steep cliffs. Even if flying, explorers will have to face the seven Greater Storm Elementals (Air Elementals with lightning bolts), bound to guard the way to the peak. At the top lies the cemetery of the First Dragons, who came here to die when their time had come. Their bones have turned to gold, but are guarded by a Wight Dragon: one of the oldest, wisest and most dangerous creatures of the world (ancient undead Black Dragon with Wight abilities, plus almost all the knowledge one can have, and a very bad temper). If the Black Dragon is slain, the golden skeletal dragons will rise to fight!

2. The Chained Titan. Legends say that a titan is chained to the side of a mountain of this impressive range, punished by the gods for giving mortals the secret of fire and metal. Actually, the titan is a giant sculpture carved on the side of the mountain. In the caves of his eyes, the last immortal blacksmiths of the people who carved the sculpture have their ever-burning forge, creating weapons in black iron, adamant and other special metals.

3. Rock Giants. The huge boulders that lie scattered on the flanks of this mountain are actually giants made of rock, at their larval stage. While the group travels across this area and passes near the boulders, there is 1 in 6 chance that their proximity makes a rock “hatch” and let a giant arise, attacking immediately.

4. The Machine in the World. Throughout these mountains travelers hear a ticking noise coming from underground. Under the mountains there are ancient mechanisms and stone wheels and mills powered by lava falls. The machine moves continents, causes earthquakes and pushes tectonic plates according to the will of mysterious engineers. Gates to the machine are hidden and protected and inside there are stone golem guards. Tampering with the gears might cause enormous, violent changes in the world.

5. Veins of Gold. A vein of wild alchemical gold runs in the heart of the mountain, occasionally emerging here and there. Those who do not realize the danger and touch or step on these outcrops must pass a Save vs Petrification or their blood will be turned into solid gold. At worst, their friends will have about 10lbs of gold as a consolation (if they manage to retrieve it).

6. The Heavy Mountain. This mountain’s heart of molten metal increases the gravity of the surrounding environment. Anyone and anything in this area becomes gradually heavier, weighting up to twice.

7. The First Dwarves. The roots of this mountain are inhabited by the first dwarves, stocky and uncouth beings, deformed and primitive. They are not evil, but misshapen, idiotic and violent. They have no language, but worship a grotesque boulder-god. Their skin is leathery and their bones are as hard as stone.

8. Grey Bearhounds. A race of strong hounds lives in these mountains, used to hunting wolves and bears. These animals behave like common wild dogs, but are quite larger (the size of a dire wolf). Heroes might tame them as pets, animal companions or even mounts.

9. The Crystal Peak. This mountain is a colossal meteorite made of crystal, partially covered by debris and rocks. At night it emanates a sick purple luminescence and during the day a disturbing buzzing can be heard from the surrounding mountains. The peak and the valleys around it are inhabited by all sorts of chimeric beasts, lured here by the crystal or possibly generated from it. Fragments of the crystal might be used to propel or channel chaotic energies in magic rituals, but for each day spent around the peak there is a cumulative 1% chance of developing some chimeric mutation.

10. Shadowridge. The wild predators of this mountain range live a double life: during the night (whether they fall asleep or not), their bodies become ethereal and they hunt with the special abilities of shadow creatures while maintaining their shape, HD and attacks.

If you enjoy this type of content, check my other random tables posts, and my OSR stuff on DrivethruRPG: the Land of Legends series and my pwyw e-zines for Old-School Essentials: Wondrous Weavings Warped and Weird and Mysteriously Missing & Merrily Met!

My next pwyw Old-School Essentials e-zine will be released next month! To find out what it'll be about, and grab it as soon as it's out, follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Telegram!